Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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