Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
