the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
