im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
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It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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