the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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