i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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