God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
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She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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