Where did you get a picture of my penis
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
