Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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