If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I puked a lego.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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