My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
even my farts smell like vagina
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
