how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
