Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
