i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
