Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
