drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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