FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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