Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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