I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
