I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
