My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
