How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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