I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
