You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
