I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
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I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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