I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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