As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
