Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
