I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My bed smells like the plague
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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