so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
