you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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