yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
