Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
