At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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