There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
