I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
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pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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