i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
