why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i would punch a child for taco bell
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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