cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Randomize
