...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
