Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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