like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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