I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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