One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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