I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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