dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
