I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
