Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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