If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
