You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
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Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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