I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
