im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
